Monday, March 24, 2008 9:20 PM
The newly-formed Committee of Inquiry will be looking into a possible link between the escape of terrorist Mat Alamak from a toilet at Whitley Road Detention Centre, and an outbreak of diarrhoea at its canteen.
According to Assistant Superintendent Chow Leow Loh, a spokesman for the Committee, “Mat Alamak was allowed to go to the toilet that day because a number of detainees and staff had complained of diarrhoea after consuming food from the canteen.”
The diarrhoea outbreak hampered the surveillance of Alamak when he asked to use the loo, as his accompanying officer also had to go.
The food poisoning also explains the slow pursuit of Alamak, and the several hour delay in releasing the news to the public. “Everyone at Whitley was having the squits,” said ASP Chow. “Officers would run after Alamak, and then kena u-turn back.”
The immediate cause of the diarrhoea has not been established.
“Initial investigations suggest that Prima Deli chocolate cakes and Nong Shim prawn crackers were both available at the canteen on the day in question,” said ASP Chow. “We are trying to establish a connection.”
The Committee is also looking at allegations that someone had spiked the mee siam at the canteen.
“We have found traces of cockles that had gone bad in the mee siam,” ASP Chow revealed. “We can’t say for sure, but it’s possible that someone put hum in the mee siam. If so, that could mean Alamak had inside help.”
“We take all allegations of putting hum in mee siam very seriously,” said ASP Chow. “On the direct orders of the Prime Minister’s Office, no civil service canteen is allowed to add hum to mee siam. Doing so might constitute a terrorist act.”
When told that nobody ever eats mee siam with hum anyway, ASP Chow replied, “And that’s just how the Prime Minister likes it, because he’s just a regular Singaporean guy too, just like you and me. Except more elite.”
The Committee may interrogate popular blogger Mr. Brown in connection with this inquiry. “We don’t want to leave any stone unturned. Toilets, diarrhoea, Mat Alamak’s skin pigmentation – all these have ‘brown’ connections, and we don’t want to leave anything to chance.”
SPONGEBOB was here (:
